Where to go? What to do?...

I have so many questions in my little brain... and I always seem to be having lots of questions!.. That is normal.. Haha.. ya, it is so true.. I am always asking questions.... It is just so ME!..

and the past couple of weeks, I am just being so.. unsure of stuff and yet at the back of my mind, I know God is with me and He is always with me at all times.. no matter what.. That is the assurance that He has given me in my little heart.. *grin*..

I guess because of that, I am just not motivated to scribble.. sorry guys.. just too many things on my plate currently.. actually, not really many things.. but rather, a few BIG things.. it is just so terrifying sometimes if I were to decide on the spot for all of them.. well, it can be rather overwhelming.. The feeling is super real.. and I believe it is good to acknowledge it and face it on the front instead of sweeping it under the carpet and let it rot.. Things that go rotting overtime would not be good at all..

Well...... I really thank God that for accommodation wise, it has been decided and I have a peace of mind.. Now, the tougher part of the hunt is here.. JOB HUNT.. perhaps, it may not be that tough and yet, why am I having thoughts that it is tougher.. hmm.. what are the fears looming around in this particular hunt that are haunting me, crippling me? I know there are a few... and I just need to take deep breaths, pray, trust God and take one step at a time..... and be overcomer!.. Phew.. where to begin?

Here goes nothing.. and here I am..... as Zechariah 4:6 says.. "not by might nor by power, but by God's Spirit.".. To walk the path set by God.. I am praying that I am walking in His path, to turn if I need to turn.. to walk in His pace.. to be faithful in the little things.. to love people because God loves us so much.. ya.. that is what I have been doing and continue to do.. that is where I have been heading and continue on..... *wink*

where to draw the line or boundary?

as I woke up this morning, just feeling kinda bluish.. having mix feelings about many things.. perhaps, being swamped by too much things, the overloading of big decisions to make in the days to come.. hmm.. an indication that I have been on the "thinking" mode too much.. "red alert!".. if not careful, I would be wallowing in things that would not be helpful..

I just wonder.. who would ever able to understand me? I know God does.. but who else? Am I expecting too much from comrades of the same kind? Hmm.. this question pops into my mind this morning..... if only..... I have too many "if onlys".. Well, even as I think about it, praying and asking God, the words that came was to do things one at a time.. decide things one at a time... Is there need for a rush?

I am praying for the right people to meet up with and chat.. if I could spend that few hours with any one that God has brought to my path, that few hours are well spent.. and I pray that beautiful things would come out of them.. God is the grower of many beautiful things in lives of many.. So exciting..... Hee.. Now, I am excited!.. Hmmm...... again.... it is one step at a time.. *wink*..

Potentials...

Having to be in Brum on the 3rd day after arriving and entering the UK smoothly, this morning, I read this new book that I have bought on the Logos Hope ship yesterday and it writes about "potentials".. Hmm.. I shall be dwelling my thoughts on this for today.. and asking the Lord to make it clearer for me to understand and to grasp His definition for me.

There are so much He has installed for every single one of us but yet, why alot of us do not live out to the best? What stops us from being where He wants us to be? I am searching and asking the good Lord these questions, over and over again...... and I just desire to be rested in Him and to hear Him.. I begin to realise that I am willing to try.. and not be so afraid that I didn't try.. I think that was my struggle in the past.. afraid of failures and mistakes that I didn't try.. I am glad that God has opened my eyes to see my personal struggles.. and to learn to trust Him and to try.. to take up things I never dreamt of taking and yet I would be doing them because I have His peace to do them. By His Grace and Mercy, I am able to..

So, what is the new thing that I am to try this time? Hmm.. In His time, it will be revealed... as I journey on.....

Transition after transition..

times are going rather crazy for me at this juncture of my life.. no sense of stability and yet there is this sense of excitement of what is to come... Choosing to walk closely with our Heavenly Father is so vital and of upmost importance... also, I am beginning to catch glimpses of people's feeling about deciding between countries.. tough decisions to make in life in a sense and the need to exercise FAITH is so crucial, I find.. to have the courage to step out and trust God that the decision made is one that is of God.. How do we really know? This question has always been swimming in my mind.. Do we ever know? I guess we would only know after we have decided, taken the steps needed and then looked back with hindsight..

well.. here I am today.. in the early June of 2009, sitting on my bed, in my new room in Kota Kemuning.. scribbling away, reflecting away and yet, there is no certainty of where I would be.. what I would be doing in the days to come.. Would be heading for UK this coming Thursday night though.. and praying that I would see what I am to do next.. Trusting God that He would guide me.. provide.. open the right door for me to go in and explore... *grin*.. do remember me in prayers if you read my blog... lots of excitements which are coupled with lots of uncertainties as well.. yet, the excitements in seeing God at work in my life overrule the uncertainties and fears.. as God fills me with much hope and joy of life.. and He is training me in areas of my life which needs to be trained and sharpened for the coming days.. for the vision He has planted in my heaart... *wink*...

Thankfulness..

Somehow, has this sense of thankfulness at this moment.. why so? hmm.. not sure, just being thankful to be surrounded with loved ones, family, friends and more friends.. Being thankful to be blessed with so many encouragements, love and support.. Being thankful that God has me exactly where He wants me to be.. and that He is guiding me each step by each step, in the ways that He knows best for me.

Do I know what I am going to do next? No, I don't.. but then, I trust that as I take baby step, each day at a time, He would open doors of opportunity to path the way for me as I walk closely with Him.. I pray that I would have His strength to walk.. and when I am weak, He will carry me through.. How comforting that is.. :)

And today, it just lingers in my head that.. when I really am stuck and not know what to do next, I should continue to pray even more and to pray in the spirit.. the comfort of being able to pray in the spirit, and the burdens being lifted up to the heavens.. and God hears my prayers.. He knows.. He cares.. He loves.. and I know I am in good hands...... *wink*

Time will tell...

Tell many things, I suppose.. Looking back with hindsights.. This is one phrase I remembered from a recent conversation. How true that is.. and it was a phrase shared many months back.. To know whether the decision we made is of God, we would know after looking back with hindsights.. In the sense, it is similar to the phrase of time will tell...

So, what about now? how do we decide things that is of God? or whether is this God's will for me? How do we truly know? by walking closely with Him and reading His Word.. Am I doing that? sometimes, I wonder, am I doing that enough? What is enough? Does it matter? Shouldn't I walk closely with God out of love for Him and not out of other ulterior motives? why so many questions? fear of missing God's will in life? Fear of making mistakes in life? It does cripple me sometimes.. and I just have to shout out Jesus' Name and to overcome it with His Word.. with His Courage.. It is by His Grace that I am where I am this day.. I am who I am this day.. Mistakes will happen.. but I have God by my side. That is the difference. Because He is by my side, I am able to start anew again. I am able to stand tall.. with His Glow and His Joy.. with His Strength.. with His Peace.. yeahhh.. yippee...

well... here I go again....... trying something new... with His Peace.. and in His time, I will know.. truly know.. and again be awed by He who says "I am"... *wink*

who would have thought?

I wouldn't have thought of it as well but here I am, back in Malaysia at this hour, at this season.. where even myself couldn't believe that I decided to come back in the midst of things.. Yet, it seems to be really right to come back home at this time. Why so? Hmm.. Not sure as yet. Just know that it is right and that I am to obey the voice I heard few weeks ago. Go by faith? And it is not easy to go by faith, I have to admit.. It can be rather challenging and yet at the same time, it is fulfilling to be able to step out in faith and trust that the Lord God is guiding me, showing me stuff which I never see before in the past.

I know many are praying for me.. many are encouraging me.. many that are sent by God to be by my side.. to support and encourage.. God knows exactly what I need. He knows the very core of my heart.. He knows the very fears that I have even as I take that step of faith.. even as I choose to obey Him. What would the outcome be? I just know that it would be the best that He has for me and nothing less and highly even more that what I would expected. I have to stay focus and remain focus on the 'now'.. the 'present' and make the best out of it.. To love like I never love before.. to be real with my loved ones and friends.. to be who my dear Lord wants me to be.. *grin*

Adventure has begun years back.. and it has become more and more interesting and exciting these days.. so much uncertainties.. and it requires so much trust in Him.. sole Trust in Him and no one else! Admittedly, fears do loom over me sometimes but He is teaching me to know how to look at the fears and to deal with them.. to overcome them.. it takes time.. it takes practice.. it takes building of courage.. and that courage comes from Him, the Almighty God. *wink*

Making choices..

which is right? which is wrong? which is good? which is bad? How do we really know? hmm.. is this a trick question now? hmm.. I don't think it is.. but I think it would be something that will constantly pop up here and there.. even more so when it is to do with life changing choices..... challenging, isn't it? I think it is.. and sometimes, it can be pretty scary.. the "what if" comes into play.. hmm.. I wonder, .. I really do wonder.. do people think about these things as I do? or is it just me? a girl with many questions..

Yet, somehow, today.. I know something deep was happening.. something.. what was it? I couldn't get around it as yet.. still not able to have the word for it, to describe it.. but just know in the spirit.. able to discern and yet don't understand.. strange but it is true..

God in His own timing and providence would make it clear.. or the other way is that as I choose to walk closer to Him, I would hear clearer.. and would see what He wants me to see.. and do what He wants me to do.. Well, I made a choice today, one that I would never think I would have made and yet I did.. Recently, I have been surprising myself alot, actually.. with the choices I made.. Interesting, I would say.. *wink*

Accomplishment?

Yesterday marked the day I submitted my masters dissertation piece... so proud of it that I took some photos.. and put them on facebook!.. Never thought I would do a Masters, and yet here I am.. It actually does feel good when I went to collect it yesterday and carried it around in the university before submitting it... And now, at this wee hour (I went to bed like.. 930pm.. hehe..), as I scribble along and away.. a thought that comes to my mind is.. "so, what's next?" A question which family and friends have been asking me alot the past weeks and I think even more for the coming weeks.. A question which I am asking myself too... hmm..

I suppose the next sensible and logical thing to do would be to update my CV and start applying for jobs.. just start somewhere, I guess.. and then the path would become clearer.. Read a recent devotion from Nehemiah Notes that wrote about being in the motion.. meaning, to be active in doing something... and the writer wrote that "sometimes any action is better than none".. I really thought that this devotion reading came very timely for me at this juncture of my life.. God always has His ways of communicating.. *grin*

At the same time.. looking at the possibilities of getting my work published in a journal.. as suggested by my lecturer.. I do wonder.. would it be good enough to be published? This is a classic example where others have more confidence in my work than me.. oops.. Maybe God is teaching me something here, even as I reflect and look at my line of thoughts.. hmm.. well... still reflecting.... hehe..

You know what.. I think I will just do the obvious bits to my best and leave the rest to God because He is my provider.. and He knows what is best for me.. and where I am to go and what I am to do in the days to come.. *wink*..

Photos from Mid march to Mid April 2009..

yup..... here comes all the photos...... :D.. from the latest to the earliest... click on the blue phrases to go to the various albums.... :D

The House!..

Easter Day 13.04.09

First Easter Card and Gift :)
Easter Sunrise Service 12.04.09

SEEDs football-freebie dayout n dinner 21.03.09

Just couldn't believe it.... BUT..

I am done!.. I handed in my dissertation for binding yesterday.....

which means, no turning back..

and once I submit it next Monday, I am officially done with Uni work!..

wow!..... Praise God for it.. and so..

what is NEXT??

mmmm........ travel? work?....

appreciate your prayers as I figure it out.. *wink*

Apple of God's eyes...

who? it is me..... hehehe......

aim to be, hope to be, pray to be, thrill to be.......

with His help and guidance, His grace and mercy...

His touch and assurance.... *wink*

just a little more...

ever feel that? just a little more and it would be done... well, that's where I am at today.. and sometimes, it could be tiring and just feel like wanting a rest and not push too hard.. why so? why not just press on a bit more and hang on there a bit more and it will be over.. ??

yup!... now, I am motivating myself!.. via this scribbling..... and I need it.... everyone needs motivation and encouragement... if only we could be that one to encourage and to motivate the people around us.. Just to encourage one person a day.. and I believe it will have a tremendous domino effect in lives.. especially when situations out there aren't so rosy and bed of roses as it would seem to be....

ya... here I start again, today, to do the little bit more and finish up what I came to UK to do.. May the Good Lord always grant me wisdom, creativity to think, to analyse and to write..... *wink*

Do you have unhealed wounds?

I couldn't resist but to scribble a little today in midst of busyness and work.. coz just know deep in my heart that this is of the Lord....... and that the Good Lord is always doing great work.. and this is one of the many moments that I am able to catch it and scribble it down......

God in His wonderful way has confirmed in my heart today that I had done the right thing..... with the following devotion I just read from the Vine... to take time to deal with the wounds and get healed... to spend more deliberate time in Him, and having Him walking side by side as I was dealing with the wounds..... Which is what I did.. and I am so ever glad and thankful to Him.. *grin*..

*****

Deal With Your Unhealed Wounds!

Physician, heal yourself!

Luke 4:23 NKJV

Did you know that in the Old Testament a priest could not serve in God's house if he had a scab, which is an unhealed wound or a bleeding sore? (See Lev 21:20.) Why? Because when you have a scab you're not up to par. You can't get close to others in case they bump into you and knock the protective cover off it. You're not at your best because the pain-drain is sapping your strength. You're afraid to talk about your scab in case people reject you, so you wear a mask, live on two levels and become insecure and controlling. Worst of all, you're so busy working for God and taking care of others that you don't think you have time to stop and take care of yourself. The Bible says: "Physician, heal yourself!" (Luke 4:23 NKJV).

Does this mean people with 'issues' can't work for God? No, quite the opposite. It's the broken who become masters at mending. But first you must take time to be healed. Jesus said that when the blind lead the blind they both fall into a ditch (Matthew 15:14). It's hard to talk about victory to others when you yourself are living in defeat. It's hard to bring emotional healing to others when you're still battling the unresolved issues of your past. When you are still bleeding, you can't treat people's problems with the same kind of aggressive faith you'd have if you'd already worked through the problem.

Is it wrong to have a wounded heart? No, but it's wrong not to deal with it. So, spend time with God and let Him make you whole so that He can use you to minister more effectively to others.

*****

This devotion just spoke so clearly of what needs to take place if anyone has unhealed wounds...... and it just amazing to see how it spoke of what needs to take place.... My favorite phrases are the ones highlighted in purple...... When I have worked through the problem, then I'd have the aggressive faith to help others....... and God has make me WHOLE so that He can use me to minister more effectively to others..... WOW!.. I love that.. I am smiling when I am scribbling this.... hehe..

and also, deep down, I could sense that God is telling me something else and one of them is that time has come for Him to use me in a higher capacity to minister to others...... well, I have been ministering the past one year plus, the past months but not in the capacity that I was used to.. I am grateful for His gentleness and His Love...... for His touch..

I am waiting on the Lord and waiting to see what He would want me to do.. I know in His time, I would know exactly what to do and where to go...... in the meantime, I just be faithful in what I can do, no matter how small or big it is...... pleasing Him is about putting down my own desires and just be free to please Him.. and God being who He is, He has taken into His interest to look into those personal desires of mine without me realising them........ *wink*

a dash.......

why a dash? hehe..... just trying to get my dissertation done up to the best I could a week before the dateline and therefore, this scribbling is a dash!.. hehehe....... I do kind like the adrenaline rush though..... so odd.... yohoo...... it gives that kind of kick!..

well... I am currently in the university on a sunday...... but kinda like it here on a sunday where there is peace and quiet.... and I am beginning to be much more aware of the things that makes me tick, so to speak..... it may well be God's gifts for me... the stuff I enjoy doing.. the stuff that comes so natural for me...... it is exciting!.. and I do look forward to see where all these would bring me as I seek His face....... as I sit at His feet.... as I wait upon Him......

well..... this is a short break and it is time for me to continue on with my work and get all the analysis of data done before 4pm today!..... and then off to the next final bit....... to write them down......... pray pray for me, ya........ muach! *wink*

a "privilege instrument" of God...

This phrase stayed in my head since I wrote that email recently, requesting for prayers from friends... and I thought I just want to scribble here about it..... In my recent email, I wrote to request for a prayer from friends whom I know are remembering me in prayers.. and I just felt right to cut and paste the bits that I have written in the email here...

"I believe in working in team and that every preparation when seasoned in prayers unto the Lord is powerful because God is at work.. It is His ministry and it is He who does the touching and impacting.. I am just a "privilege instrument" that He chooses to use.. *wink*.... thanks guys for the partnership in prayers.. :D Frankly, I am excited to see what God is doing and will do!... "

It is such a blessing to be able to be used by God in whatever and every capacity.. I recognise it so much at this hour.. and I just want to fully receive this truth in my heart.. coz I also recognise that I am a forgetful person.. believe it or not, but humans tend to be very forgetful and tend to get carried away with own things and forgotten about God.. What a danger, isn't it? I think it is.....

I am praying.... about many things...... about many people.... for many people..... O Lord.. only He knows the deepest needs of people.. the deepest core and desires.. and every prayer that goes out, they are important.. it could just be "it" that turns someone's life towards God in a wonderful close way.. We never know how God works in lives.. yet, we have the choice to be intentional... and this day, I pray that all my friends, my loved ones would be intentional in their lives.. intentional to speak encouragement, to show love and everything that is needful for someone as the Lord leads... *wink*

Final Lap.......

so.. got to work much harder....... that is my aim for the coming weeks till 20 April 2009...... the day when the dissertation work is submitted and mark the closing of Uni work..... and mark the journey of "what next?".......

Do remember me in prayers when you read this scribbling... I would try to scribble during time out, getting a breather...... and scribbling here is my way of taking a breather...... *wink*.........

First morning in new place..

yup.. my first morning in my new room.. new view... Loving it.... and sunshine with cool air...... what more could I ask for? heheheh..

I have also taken some photos of the move too....... So exciting.. and a wonderful meal I had last night.. a birthday-do for one of my housemates... I have three housemates (Betty & Alex and Mark)..... wonderful people.... :D

• Moving to Harborne.. yippee.. 14.03.09
• Bday do for Alex 14.03.09
• My 1st morning in Harborne.. 15.03.09

Enjoy as I enjoy my new place... new environment.. *wink*......

Me! Me!....

a portrait of me.. *wink*.......

Not that I have lots of time and yet I just need an avenue to go "crazy"..

and bloggie is my form of release...... woo-hoo....

the move.....

yup.. tomorrow, it is another move for me.. moving from uni accommodation to a house in Harborne.. Couldn't believe my eyes that it is here and I am moving.. Didn't feel that I am ready to move yet, actually.. hmm.. yet, it is time.. and the timeliness of things just amazes me.. well, that's for me to understand deep down.. the timeliness of God... *wink*..

How do I share these thoughts here? thoughts that are deep inter-twined in my little brain... thoughts that have long links, all connected.. think my story would be a long one.. one with many faces.. one with many insights.. How? How to share about these? How would I express these to encourage others.. to leave a marker for others to learn.. Only the Good Lord is able to give me such wisdom and insights to know how in the days to come.. I know He would guide me.. and in His timing, I would know exactly what to do..

Sometimes or rather lots of times, I would wonder why people do what they do.. I still have that question.. and in the past, I thought I was too afraid to try new things but yet, actually I did try new things.. I did do stuff that others would not do.. Somehow it is just so in-built in me that I didn't recognise it.. maybe it is too natural that I didn't realise it? or maybe I was looking at others too much for comparison that I forgot to appreciate the very things God has blessed me with? Ya.. I think that would be it.. and I am glad, real glad that I discover that truth the past one year.. So glad that God has revealed that to me.. so thankful..

well, coming back to the move.. all my belongings.. and I still haven't finished writing for my dissertation.. hmm.. oh dear.. nevertheless, I try my very best.. and trust that it would be done in God's timing as I learn different lessons while trying to write this dissertation.. Do remember me in prayer.. Need that lots.. :D

Looking forward to the move.. looking forward to have new housemates.. to learn from one another.. and to have a different angle of life in UK.. yup.. it would be different.. I could feel it.. or is it just plain simple to catch it?

I am excited and yet wonder... looking forward and yet curious... thankful for the timeliness and yet ask the question "why so soon?"... Am I contradicting myself? Am I making myself more confused? Well.. I am just plainly pouring out my feelings.. coz these are my feelings.. these are thoughts and questions that run through my mind.. welll......... this is Vivien Keu for you..... *wink*